Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. Life has been somewhat hectic with DS1 off school for the summer holidays.
As you are aware DS1 is currently on the Umbrella Pathway for Aspergers. Life in our household can be very challenging, there are days where I’m not even sure how I will make it through. It’s a constant battle. The last few weeks his anger issues have worsened. I ended up placing a desperate call to his paediatrician. She’s lovely, and often even though she knows that I know how I’m supposed to handle him she also knows that sometimes I just need to vent. To keep me from feeling like I am a failure as a parent.
The holidays have been hard, he is totally out of routine, for those of you with fellow aspies you know how important routine and consistency is. Take away the routine they have adjusted to and life becomes suddenly difficult. He can’t handle change in any way shape or form. He becomes frustrated, upset, angry. He is lost, he doesn’t understand why things are suddenly different. It frightens him, he can’t cope so he lashes out.
It’s hard! He’s not a naughty child. Yes his behaviour can be very naughty, but the root cause of 90% is fear. I can’t punish a child who is scared! Yes I have consequences in place for when his behaviour is completely unacceptable, for us the only thing that gets a reaction is to take away one of his toys. He then has to earn it back. The smaller things we have to ignore. That’s the hardest part!
The other thing I find hard is trying to determine which behaviour is out of his control, and which behaviour is that of a typical 5 year old boy pushing boundaries. I question myself constantly, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Does this behaviour need a reaction? Most of it is guesswork and trying to understand what makes my little 5 year old tick.
We have had a few holidays away this summer, all of them have been difficult. Its another thing that throws him out of routine. But we have to socialise him, we have to work to ensure he has a normal childhood.
I don’t believe in bringing up my child wrapped in cotton wool. Yes as a mum its my job to protect him from the world. BUT it’s also my job to prepare him. To ensure he can and will survive when he’s ready to leave home. To allow him independence, to grow and develop.
I know several Aspie mums who shelter their children, there is no right or wrong, and no two Aspies are the same. But for me I want to raise a happy, independent boy who will be able to handle life outside of this environment. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But I don’t think I realised just how hard it would/could be.
Despite everything he makes me proud. He’s full of character and can be soooo kind and gentle at times. My heart melts on the days I am allowed a cuddle and breaks on the days he won’t accept or give any affection.
He is strong willed and I love that about him, although it goes against us when he is in his ‘aspie zone’ it is also one of his greatest strengths.
When he smiles he can light up the entire world, he beams!
In less than two weeks he will be back at school, I know that we are going to have a hellish week readjusting him to school routine. Despite any preparation we do in advance it will still hit him hard. He will protest, he will get angry and he will lash out.
I’m working on his anger as much as I can. I have not found an outlet that works for him yet, but we are trying! It’s all we can do. There are so many different techniques to try, we have to give each one time before moving onto the next. It’s hard!
Living with an Aspie invokes a whole host of emotions.
I am scared, scared that I will fail, scared that I won’t be able to socialise him, scared that I may have to pull him from mainstream school, scared that he will hurt someone, scared that he will never be truly happy, scared he will not gain full independence.
I am angry! Angry at the system for taking so long to help us, angry at the school for not taking us seriously (I had to arrange for his doctor to come in and talk to them), angry at myself for not automatically knowing how to handle him and make him happy, angry at life for throwing me a curve ball.
I love! I love my boy so much, I’m not sure he really understands how much I love him, but I really would do anything for him. I love it when he smiles, I love it when he reacts to me, I love his cheekiness, his independence, his strength.
I’m frustrated! I just wish I instinctively knew what to do, how to handle things, how to keep everything together.
Life is a rollercoaster ride when you live with an Aspie, and despite all of the emotions it throws at me I wouldn’t change a thing! If I did then my son wouldn’t be who he is. The smart, intelligent, strong, cheeky little boy! Who I love with every inch of myself.